


non te amat

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love, but not here, jared deserves happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 08:47:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18332660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: jared loves evanbut evan can't know





	non te amat

**unrequited** : adjective; (of a feeling, especially love) not returned or rewarded

Jared didn’t know what was worse, talking with Evan every day or ignoring him because he didn’t know how to keep his feelings in check. On one hand, he was torturing himself with the inability to say how he really felt and in turn making everything an insult, on the other, he was taking away Evan’s only socialization of the day. 

He didn't like seeing Evan sitting alone at lunch, so he sucked it up and tried not to insult him too much. It was hard. Really hard because Evan would say something adorable without even trying and Jared would have to resist the urge to call him out on it which resulted in some half-hearted insult about whatever Evan was talking about. Jared didn't hate nature. He really liked it. He went camping every month with his dad but every time Evan mentioned trees he couldn't help himself and made some bad plant pun or equally horrible things about what Evan was talking about. 

Jared hated himself for it. 

He was taking this thing that brought Evan so much joy and belittling it because if he didn't he'd do something stupid like profess his love for his friend. The whole situation fucking sucked because Evan was always talking. You wouldn't think that just looking at him, but when Evan was comfortable with someone (only God knows why he was comfortable with Jared) he could go on and on about whatever was in his mind that day. 

"I want to go to Japan and see the cherry blossoms one day. I know I can just find somewhere closer that has them, but it's not the same, ya know? Like, I wanna see the famous ones." 

"It's okay, Evan. You don't have to lie. You can just say you wanna go see some high-quality hentai." 

Evan's entire face turned bright red. It wasn't fair How dare he look so cute even when embarrassed? "Wh...What? No! Jared, no! That's not it at all. I don't, I mean, I just wanna see the trees!" 

“Uh huh. Keep telling that to yourself and I’m sure it’ll come true.” 

Evan went quiet. Just like he always did after Jared said something rude or insensitive. This was when the self-hatred really kicked in. A normal friend would have encouraged Evan, maybe told him some weird fact about cherry blossoms that Evan already knew but would smile anyway because that’s the kind of person he was. A normal friend wouldn’t make jokes about Evan’s interests for their own sanity. A normal friend wouldn’t be in love with Evan Hansen, but that’s just Jared’s luck. In love with the one person who would never love him back. 

It wasn’t all bad. Evan didn’t love him, but he was at least there. Jared could always get his Evan fix because Evan didn’t have anyone else. He was readily available anytime Jared wanted to hang out. He’d make up an excuse, camp friend canceled or his mom threatening to take away car insurance, and Evan would come over. 

Was he taking advantage of Evan? Probably. He was getting more from their friendship than Evan, but he couldn’t give Evan what Evan gave him because Evan was in love with Zoe Murphy. She never even looked in his direction, Jared didn’t know why Evan liked her. She was a million miles away and Jared was right there, ready to rob a bank of Evan asked him to, but Evan didn’t see. He was too focused on Zoe. Zoe did this or Zoe did that. Jared was tired of it.

“Why would I do that?” He said because of course, he did. What else were you supposed to say when your crush asked you to sign their cast? Certainly not “sure! I’d love to!” because that was the normal thing to do and Jared was anything but normal. 

“Oh, um, I thought because we’re ya know…friends?” 

Friends. That’s all they’d ever be. Why does Jared even bother to think differently? I love you, he wants to say. Go out with me? he wants to ask. “We’re family friends, a totally different thing.” is what he says. 

“Oh,” Evan said, looking disappointed. Jared wants to kick himself because Evan’s not supposed to look like that. How dare Jared put that look on his face? But once he starts, he can’t stop. 

“Tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you, okay? Otherwise, she won't pay for my car insurance.” It’s the worst lie he’s told, but Evan still believes it after all these months so he sticks with it. 

“Okay, um, yeah. I’ll do that.” 

“Cool. See you around, I guess,” Jared backed away. He didn’t want to do any more damage. Evan was still staring at him with those stupid kicked puppy eyes. Jared needed an out before he said something worse than an insult. He looked around for something, anything to get the attention off of him.

Connor Murphy.

“Hey, Connor!” He said before he could stop himself. Connor turned and stared at him. The dude looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. “I’m loving the new hair length, very school shooter chic.” He shouldn’t have said that. Connor hadn’t done anything. Jared was never very good with words, especially around Evan Hansen. “It was a joke?” Evan was still staring at him, but also Connor. 

“Yeah, no I’m laughing. Can’t you tell?” Connor deadpanned. He took a step towards Jared. His eyes were wild. Jared thought he was going to die in the hallway. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” 

“You’re such a freak,” Jared said. He walked away as fast as he could, leaving Evan with Connor. Connor wouldn’t do anything to Evan. Evan was Evan and while no one liked him, no one hated him. He was an outcast, just like Connor. According to movie logic, the two should be best friends. Jared ignored the feeling he got in chest imaging Evan leaving him for Connor. 

Connor would probably treat Evan like a real friend. He’d probably give him rides without saying it’s an obligation and invite him over without an “ulterior motive”. 

Except Connor never gets the chance. Three days later and he’s dead. Gone. Was it because of Jared? Evan might have written the note, but Connor only sought out Evan to apologize after the interaction Jared started. 

Oh my god. Jared killed Connor Murphy. And then he lied about him for Evan. Which, sounds about right. It isn’t Jared if something stupid is happening and that stupid involves Evan Hansen. He shouldn’t have told Evan to smile and nod because he knows Evan, Evan likes to make people happy. He also lies almost as much, if not more than Jared. They’re similar in that once they start they can’t stop. 

But Jared can’t bring himself to care that what they’re doing is wrong because he’s getting to spend time with Evan. It’s great, wonderful, entire afternoons dedicated to fabricating this friendship. And then the Connor Project. It’s not bad, but it’s not what Jared had in mind when Evan first mentioned the emails. He thought it would last a week, two at max. The Connor Project was a whole other level. For one, it wasn’t just the two of them anymore. Alana was in the picture and she was nice, but Jared liked his Evan time and she was ruining it. Zoe was also there a lot, which really sucked. Evan became a completely different person when Zoe was around, a person Jared didn’t recognize. 

It scared him. With Alana, he was still there but Zoe? When Zoe was there it was like Jared was gone completely. Evan didn’t see him, didn’t need him. 

And then Evan didn’t. Why would he? Evan had other friends now, real ones who weren’t in love with him and didn’t make jokes for the sake of staying transparent. He was dating Zoe Murphy, the Connor Project was fine without him, and the emails were on the backburner. He didn’t need to keep up the facade when the Murphy’s cling to every word he said. 

Jared was fine. Evan didn’t need him and he didn’t need Evan. He had plenty of other friends (who ignored his calls) and was perfectly happy (he went to bed crying) without him. He didn’t need Evan’s stupid laugh, or pretty smile, or lovely eyes. Nope. Not at all. Jared was happy. Fine. Content. And he was one-hundred percent, not broken by Evan Hansen.

**Author's Note:**

> i have a fandom [discord](https://discord.gg/Pwah8sR)! come join me in talking about deh, umbrella academy, and world of warcraft


End file.
